but i am resolved...

Seeing as i hadn't written anything in a while i figured i'd put down a poem i wrote a while ago. It seems quite relevant to the events of the past months where my resolve has come and gone. we've all been on that rock one way or another....

To seek validation in the reflection of a man inlove
because for me the water seems to deep to cross alone.
I could wade in it but my mind says I cannot swim
So I skip from stone to stone, hoping the next one will hold me safe.
Will it be secure, the foundation, the rock?
But. It is just a stone, it brings no promise and it says nothing.
From afar it seems steady and I am drawn to it.
The others warn me but I am resolved and I stay for the belief is that this rock will hold me firm.

Time passes, it says nothing.
I cry and it responds not.
I sense the others who have passed this place.
Within is something of me that I do not dare to speak of;
The one that arrives to make me a fiend.

Still I am resolved. I stay for the belief that this rock will hold me firm.
I become the other, a creature unknown to me but a part of me.
I continue to say ‘I cannot leave, I am held captive’
‘Captive?’ a voice questions ‘but where are your chains?’
Silence. I am unravelled.

I am resolved because I have no where to go.
I am resolved because I know not what lies ahead.
I know not where to go because the faces are all the same.

‘If I fall will I drown?’ I ask the voice.
She is already gone and with her departure leaves all certainty.
‘What if’ lingers and tortures me and I let it because pain is not my enemy.
We met long ago, it was hostile and it was cold but the wall fell down
It understood me and I understood it
Or at least it’s purpose.

I was resolved but that night a fish swam by, gracious and glittery. It’s colour so magnificent, each stroke with purpose and certainty.
I reached out to touch it and it watched me. Waiting.
Surely a creature could not come from a bad place.
I reach in to touch it and the warmth engulfs me.
I don’t know how or when but that moment came
Sharp and clear like the light that shatters the night.
I fell but I fell freely.
I did not drown
Now I swim and the rock not longer hold me