I say ruined forts because recently a battle ensued between self preservation and losing control to love. It was fierce one filled with painful words, control, bitterness, manipulation and threats. It was my independence fighting to rule the one element that has never succumbed to a master. Love.
It took me many months but slowly I have let him in. Slow and arduous was the process but what I found was a gentle man wrapped in thorns. We were both wrapped in thorns i guess. Once the thorns were remove we were left with cuts and bruises that have now begun to heal.
It is at this point that my mind began to look back. Back to the last one that captured my heart. To the boy that was its chief and then its punisher. He had left shards behind never to return and amend it.. I looked back because the book had never been completed. I refused to pick it up for fear of returning to that miserable place. For a year I had waited like a widow who hoped to catch a glimpse of her lost love as he passed to the other side, hoping for one last encounter so she may properly say goodbye. I realise now that I have been holding on to a shadow, one which would soon consume the good thing I now have if I do not release it.
He was my first you see. So it was difficult to break that bond. I would invent scenarios and scripts where we would meet by chance and make small talk. I imagined his eyes and the way they would captivate me and draw me into a world of mirage and adventure. The exciting but flirting affair of boy meets girl.
I now need to stop this! one? it's a dangerous path to walk. It's an illusion, a fear that the new love I have discovered will not last. There are no symptoms to support these fears, only the accounts of failed relationships. I guess, I wanted to go back to him and finish the last chapter. So I could leave his heart broken too. So I could make him hunger for me and then suffer for his desertion. Does that make me malicious?
I am holding on to who I was, what it meant to be with him but when I analyze each chord of that tragic parade, I understand that I had been unhappy. The relationship was born out of loneliness and the fear of it. I no longer need to return and lack the desire to do so. The truth is I look back in fear. Now I look forward and I realise I have nothing to fear.
