I have made many mistakes in my life as everyone has at some point. Some mistakes made in decision on the path to walk and others in the realm of relationships.
As i listen to Erykah Badu's 'love of my life', the words really ring in my ears. They open my eyes to see that truely i have settled for second best. I have let fear, tiredness and jealous drive me into the arms of partners that have taken advantage of my desperation. In this revelation i am saddened.
why is it, that we are so troubled by loneliness that we search for a place where we can hide from it. why is it, that it scares us so much that we run to the first shelter that seems stable but easily vaporized by the coming storm [cute visual effect]. We do not wear the hat of the adventurer and go on a quest to really discover who we are so that we know WHAT we want. It is the fear that makes us jump into something so flimsy, temporal and weak that it only serves one purpose and one purpose alone; to keep at bay - loneliness. Perhaps it is an irrational fear. Even when surrounded by friends i am still craving that warmth, that declaration of love and attention. I am still craving to be looked at as if i just fell from heaven; that somewhere someone can look at me and not see ordinary but something more, the next stage.
As i listen to the song i realise that i have not seen myself as i should. As a knight, a princess, an adventurer, a warrior, a human, an entertainer and most important of all born and bred a woman! it is the revelation that should allow me to welcome loneliness as a form of self discovery rather than to push it away and attempt to discover myself in the arms of another.
'love of my life, you are my friend
love of my life, who i can depend...'
Theodore rossovelt once said that we have nothing to fear but fear itself and that is the truth! However i acknowledge that it is one thing to say it and quite another to believe it and live it. A fool has a no fear or believes he hasn't. It isn't exactly the fear which is dangerous but what we let the fear do to us. It is the fear that causes limitation, causes desperation and many more -tions that plagues us humans. Pandora certaintly dealt us a bad deal but it is knowing that we can feel the fear and move beyond that gives me hope.
Hope that i will be all that i can be
Hope that i will find the love of my life
Hope that i can and will become stronger in my resolve.
because i am tired of second best because of the fear that i cannot get the best. I am tired of broken hearts of men that are not worth the time of the day and finally i am simply tired but as an adventurer i must keep going because out there is the love of my life, out there is my friend and he is waiting....i hope hehehe
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
Saturday, 9 February 2008
Loving somebody, don´t make them love you....
He arrrived late as is the spanish custom. Don´t panic. He was courteous, no apology was uttered; simply a polite smile or i guess it could be mistaken for nervousness.
Had he not brought the wine, I would have been inclined to believe that he wasn´t interested but there it was. full, white and ready to be corked! It was just a meal between two people who were testing the water, well at least on my side of the shore. The cameras were rolling on the first play. The lights were set, there was no rehearsal simply ACTION; in which case i proceeded to play my part.
We talked about many things, as you do. He seemed to be making an effort for which i was grateful as other encounters had not gone so smoothly. I tried to keep the conversation alive and interesting but with silence came doubt, perhaps not yet on my front as i am the queen of wishful thinking. Then again after three glasses of white wine could you really start digging into the hidden meaning of a person´s behaviour? touchee!
I cannot pinpoint the exact moment when the evening did a U-turn and crashed into the nearest object it could find like one of those bad Schwarzenegger films. It was a sudden change and it was strange; unexpected. The truth has a way of ruining a good night but i don´t regret for a moment that i initiated it. I don´t regret saying what i felt, who i was and what i believed. I don´t regret admitting things i am willing to do and others that would provoke a retort of "over my dead body!". I guess one can say that it is the process we all go through in identifying who you can live with and who can expect to see the back of your hair in their face.
Ofcourse doubt had not ceased to knock on my door. It´s rat-a-tat-tat was even more noticeable that before. However after the second bottle i could barely hear all that racket stored away in the back of my mind, threatening to ruin a potential companion. I went forth to declare my affection like a triumphant knight who had just returned from battle to claim his bride, only to have my steed halted at the all too familiar tall dark gates.
"Mission -to-Ground Control
That is a negative, I repeat... that is a negative sighting.... on mutual affection"
"Roger that! Return to base..."
at this point, may i add the sound effects of a plane crashing.....
Normally i´d be crushed and sulk for days, continuing the chase in the hope that he´d change his mind. I can happily say that i let this one go; not because i didn´t want him but because i was mature enough to understand that not every emotion will be returned with the same strength in which you sent it. It´s normal. A part of the human process. It places on fault at the foot of the parties involved. It´s just not suppose to happen. What surprised me though was the manner in which i displayed this maturity. I guess it must have surprised him too. Your stereotypical youth, gives you melodrama, tears, over-the-top poetry of heart break and organs being ripped out. They aren´t exactly known for their....maturity. Dare i mention level headedness.
"it´s okay. no problem" i said, in an attempt to reassure him that the evening had not turned sour. I can tell you this didn´t work. I guess mature men are really just boys trying on a new suit to see if it fits but never really assume the role. The few that do....well, they aren´t exactly single are they?
He blotted out something about it being uncomfortble and decided to cut the evening short. His goodbye was half felt and half cold. It could have been a casablanca movie if we were dressed for the part. God knows josephine baker playing in the background certaintly brought this scene to life; with a kiss on both cheeks (spanish style) he was out the door and left me with the bloody dishes. I am glad he didn´t recite "here´s looking at you, kid" or something like that because i might have been tempted to slap him. One thing i can tell you though is that at the end of this act, there was no applause. If anything, there was some relief within. I didn´t try to move on to the next heartbreak or ponder on my failure but simply pulled the curtains on that scene, went to bed. It was only a memory - remanents of the red wine. Thank God for chicken soup.
The one thing i have learnt over the years is that when you care about someone, they will not always return it. It isn´t guaranteed. Yes i know, people say well duh but how many people react in response to that mentality. We know it but we still yearn and hope that they´ll change their mind. When what we really should do is practice some acceptance and baggage reduction. I am reminded of a song by Erykah Badu that says
"bag lady, you gon´hurt your back
dragging all them bags like that
i guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold on to
is you is you, is you
one day all them bags, gon get in your way
so pack light..."
I do intend to pack light. As for the the 'boy'? bah..i didn´t really like his hair.
Had he not brought the wine, I would have been inclined to believe that he wasn´t interested but there it was. full, white and ready to be corked! It was just a meal between two people who were testing the water, well at least on my side of the shore. The cameras were rolling on the first play. The lights were set, there was no rehearsal simply ACTION; in which case i proceeded to play my part.
We talked about many things, as you do. He seemed to be making an effort for which i was grateful as other encounters had not gone so smoothly. I tried to keep the conversation alive and interesting but with silence came doubt, perhaps not yet on my front as i am the queen of wishful thinking. Then again after three glasses of white wine could you really start digging into the hidden meaning of a person´s behaviour? touchee!
I cannot pinpoint the exact moment when the evening did a U-turn and crashed into the nearest object it could find like one of those bad Schwarzenegger films. It was a sudden change and it was strange; unexpected. The truth has a way of ruining a good night but i don´t regret for a moment that i initiated it. I don´t regret saying what i felt, who i was and what i believed. I don´t regret admitting things i am willing to do and others that would provoke a retort of "over my dead body!". I guess one can say that it is the process we all go through in identifying who you can live with and who can expect to see the back of your hair in their face.
Ofcourse doubt had not ceased to knock on my door. It´s rat-a-tat-tat was even more noticeable that before. However after the second bottle i could barely hear all that racket stored away in the back of my mind, threatening to ruin a potential companion. I went forth to declare my affection like a triumphant knight who had just returned from battle to claim his bride, only to have my steed halted at the all too familiar tall dark gates.
"Mission -to-Ground Control
That is a negative, I repeat... that is a negative sighting.... on mutual affection"
"Roger that! Return to base..."
at this point, may i add the sound effects of a plane crashing.....
Normally i´d be crushed and sulk for days, continuing the chase in the hope that he´d change his mind. I can happily say that i let this one go; not because i didn´t want him but because i was mature enough to understand that not every emotion will be returned with the same strength in which you sent it. It´s normal. A part of the human process. It places on fault at the foot of the parties involved. It´s just not suppose to happen. What surprised me though was the manner in which i displayed this maturity. I guess it must have surprised him too. Your stereotypical youth, gives you melodrama, tears, over-the-top poetry of heart break and organs being ripped out. They aren´t exactly known for their....maturity. Dare i mention level headedness.
"it´s okay. no problem" i said, in an attempt to reassure him that the evening had not turned sour. I can tell you this didn´t work. I guess mature men are really just boys trying on a new suit to see if it fits but never really assume the role. The few that do....well, they aren´t exactly single are they?
He blotted out something about it being uncomfortble and decided to cut the evening short. His goodbye was half felt and half cold. It could have been a casablanca movie if we were dressed for the part. God knows josephine baker playing in the background certaintly brought this scene to life; with a kiss on both cheeks (spanish style) he was out the door and left me with the bloody dishes. I am glad he didn´t recite "here´s looking at you, kid" or something like that because i might have been tempted to slap him. One thing i can tell you though is that at the end of this act, there was no applause. If anything, there was some relief within. I didn´t try to move on to the next heartbreak or ponder on my failure but simply pulled the curtains on that scene, went to bed. It was only a memory - remanents of the red wine. Thank God for chicken soup.
The one thing i have learnt over the years is that when you care about someone, they will not always return it. It isn´t guaranteed. Yes i know, people say well duh but how many people react in response to that mentality. We know it but we still yearn and hope that they´ll change their mind. When what we really should do is practice some acceptance and baggage reduction. I am reminded of a song by Erykah Badu that says
"bag lady, you gon´hurt your back
dragging all them bags like that
i guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold on to
is you is you, is you
one day all them bags, gon get in your way
so pack light..."
I do intend to pack light. As for the the 'boy'? bah..i didn´t really like his hair.
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