Love of my life...

I have made many mistakes in my life as everyone has at some point. Some mistakes made in decision on the path to walk and others in the realm of relationships.

As i listen to Erykah Badu's 'love of my life', the words really ring in my ears. They open my eyes to see that truely i have settled for second best. I have let fear, tiredness and jealous drive me into the arms of partners that have taken advantage of my desperation. In this revelation i am saddened.

why is it, that we are so troubled by loneliness that we search for a place where we can hide from it. why is it, that it scares us so much that we run to the first shelter that seems stable but easily vaporized by the coming storm [cute visual effect]. We do not wear the hat of the adventurer and go on a quest to really discover who we are so that we know WHAT we want. It is the fear that makes us jump into something so flimsy, temporal and weak that it only serves one purpose and one purpose alone; to keep at bay - loneliness. Perhaps it is an irrational fear. Even when surrounded by friends i am still craving that warmth, that declaration of love and attention. I am still craving to be looked at as if i just fell from heaven; that somewhere someone can look at me and not see ordinary but something more, the next stage.

As i listen to the song i realise that i have not seen myself as i should. As a knight, a princess, an adventurer, a warrior, a human, an entertainer and most important of all born and bred a woman! it is the revelation that should allow me to welcome loneliness as a form of self discovery rather than to push it away and attempt to discover myself in the arms of another.

'love of my life, you are my friend
love of my life, who i can depend...'

Theodore rossovelt once said that we have nothing to fear but fear itself and that is the truth! However i acknowledge that it is one thing to say it and quite another to believe it and live it. A fool has a no fear or believes he hasn't. It isn't exactly the fear which is dangerous but what we let the fear do to us. It is the fear that causes limitation, causes desperation and many more -tions that plagues us humans. Pandora certaintly dealt us a bad deal but it is knowing that we can feel the fear and move beyond that gives me hope.

Hope that i will be all that i can be
Hope that i will find the love of my life
Hope that i can and will become stronger in my resolve.
because i am tired of second best because of the fear that i cannot get the best. I am tired of broken hearts of men that are not worth the time of the day and finally i am simply tired but as an adventurer i must keep going because out there is the love of my life, out there is my friend and he is waiting....i hope hehehe