Fear not.

When I first met fear, it was under the hands of my father, the voice of my uncle, and the loss of a friend. She needed no introduction because right then, there was a mutual understanding of who was in control. I let her stay.

She - the shadow of self doubt and deprecation - walked with me, nagging, nagging, nagging like an old lady weathered by time and made bitter by life; my very own Debbie downer with all the trimmings. The sad stories of betrayal retold like a broken record and premises that seem to make sense but lacked logic when spoken aloud. Every day she spoke them and each time I gave in despite rationality. It’s like what they say, you spend enough time with a crazy person and their insane rambling turn to rational thoughts.

I discovered in time that all she did was try to suffocate me when no one was looking. She knew they were right, she knew they would show me. Once she was done, I was left to surface again, breathing deeply and thankful that I had survived that sickly feeling. I came out of her bunker of ‘protection’ glad that she had helped me passed the storm which I have never seen; not once. It weighed on me that I could not get rid of this ‘friend of mine’ whose visit was more frequent and certainly unwanted. It got to a point where I started to believe that I needed her, that her intentions were good. After all you’ve got to be cruel to be kind right? There were my days and she – my companion.

She packed her bags one day and made it clear she was unhappy with my decision. “You’ll fail” she said, “You never were any good at it. I’ve been the one holding your hands”. She walked away trimmings and all and I packed mine for Spain. She comes back now and again – we talk over coffee, she plays the same tune and I listen but logic is never defeated because I know her now. More and more I feel the fear and when I walk on, she throws a tantrum - things get broken – I keep walking. I guess that’s when courage moved in.

As courage unpacked she smiled saying "Fear not. We’re going to have fun you and I".

Top of The Pops

So, I decided to return to the scene of the crime, where Aretha Franklin's Respect was disrespected on the dance floor of a particular Spanish club. The floor this time was thankfully empty, instead the bodies were crushed against the counter taking advantage of the not so "happy hour".

Yes, that's right, if you had been there earlier you would have been able to indulge in two pint size plastic cups of calimucho (otherwise known as bad wine and coca cola); for a generous sum of five euros. Also available as misappropriately named "minis", were two pint size cups of beer for a similar price. This misnomer was by no means a bad thing, if getting yourself perpetually 'hammered' was your goal. However this particular night, that goal was made even more difficult when they ran out of those so called 'mini' cups that would have properly secured my happy hour for hours...

As the clock struck twelve and the fairytale of cheap drinks came to an end, i prayed that the dj would not take advantage of my sober state and severly depress me as he had so effortless done before. I stood there. Flashed back to my first time in Top of the Pops. I remember being disappointed by the choice of tracks and also the Dj. It was a bipolar mix of indie music; an attempt to be bohemian but failing miserably. Highs and Lows where they didn't belong like singers who should never try acting.

After all this you can imagine that i was not jumping at the chance to return but i did so anyway. Everyone deserves a second chance right? After all it was a friend's birthday, couldn't say no now could i?
Empty it might have been but it did not remain so for long. The people streamed in, the music got good and i found my lips moving along to the kaiser chief, old school classic and dear i say material girl by our dear madonna. Ok, so he wasn't perfect, he tripped up a little bit when he decided playing a slow trotting beetle songs (which would put any warm blooded creature to sleep) would bring him stardom. He quickly redeemed himself with Jet's "Are you gonna be my girl". Keeping playing like that Dj and i just might ;)

You Got me...

My blessing, that allowed me to see the best there was in you and to know that i would give all that I could to your cause, has now become my curse. A quality so sought out in the heart of man, that of generosity, of kindness, unconditional love, understanding, empathy and the likes is to be disliked by the one who gives it so willingly. You will find as I have that to hold these traits when once it used to be a blessing is nothing but a burden. In these arms, people find a way to be selfish and steal affection where they can and leave those arms empty of appreciation. These arms still hang, waiting for you to take me in and hold me. They wait to be taken and to hear the words that i am your friend and you got me...

Instead i find that altruism is not a gift to the individual who possesses it but to those who choose to take what in most cases is offered out of love; but each time to return less and less. My generation it seems, believe the whole world should revolve around them, that includes looking out for number one. The mentality remains that if you were dumb enough to give that part of yourself, and then, to suffer the rejection that you should not complain.

What i ask is this my friend, my girl...What am i to you? A rock or your pillow?
If i were to fall to my knees, would you stand and look down at me kneeling here in your shadow or would your knees bleed like mine because you are beside me? I ask you, if you've got me or if you'd let me fall?

Things fall Apart

Sitting here and watching the neon shooting stars fall from the side of a shopping centre. I remember that christmas is creeping ever closer and it is time like these that we make those long trips homewards bound. Towards our roots, towards our fathers and our mothers. To hug our brothers and sisters. To sit on barely used dining tables, specially polished and adorned for this so called reason to be with family. To laugh and drink and make merry and forget the other 364 days of the year that we will never talk and the other 364 days of the year where the phatom of silent walks beside us with it's haunting touch to remind us of where we stand; to remind us that things are still the same.

Those neon stars and music notes that reminds us of christmas movies and happy endings could barely repair those things that have fallen apart. I think of fights, i think of a broken hearted woman who struggles to hold what is left together of love. They tell you it is to last forever. They say it is worth the pain. Our dreams might take us away for a short time and perhaps when we wake, we are deceived so briefly that the nightmare was left in that other world but things still fall apart. We are all here around this table holding on the lines between us, that has frayed so much that in time it will fade and it will let us all go...far far away to a place of no return.

What ever happened to the happy endings that films are made of?

Music is Poetry

I'm not your substitute ever

Gone and closed the curtain
ready or not, here i come
this is the last time that i will say these words
come on honey, take a trip with me
slow down, lie down, remember it's just you and me

He spends his nights in california
tonight we drink to youth and holding fast the truth.
My tea's gone cold, i'm wondering why I got out of bed at all,
wrote a letter to my father
do you know where your heart is?

Something always brings me back to you
Take me now baby here as i am
you don't have to be beautiful to turn me on
it's time when i want something more, someone more like me.
hand in hand we descend to the graveyard

Hurray for the child that makes it through
see the sun kiss parts of the moon.
What am i to you, tell me darling true?
so sweet so beautiful, every daylight queen on her throne...
i don't know why i was so afraid all the time

The Other Side

I saw the side, you know,
the one you hid so carefully under the dead leaves of autumn.
The leaves that changed as the air turned cold and
your expression shifted.
Then. So suddenly they were blown away exposing
the dusty ugly truth that you were not one but two...

The light i was attracted to was actually a dull glow
a shadow of kindness departed from it's real form
wandering lost, offering itself only, not for what it would give
but... what it could receive in return.

As weather changes, so too do you and mislead
today your friend, tomorrow a bad seed
planted to grow a maze between us in which
I am constant but yet constantly confused as to why I am where you are?
Why your face so pink and dear could make my heart sink in fear.

It is half you five, half of which i receive
Each time worth less as you lose your sparkle and begin to see who you really are.

Animals

Humans go through great lengths to prove that they are no longer a primitive and uncivilized species but instead cultured, disciplined and higher intellectual beings. However it seems to me that social norms, technology, attires, our relationships present a completely different pictures from that which we are determined to paint.

We show ourselves as altruistic but deep down isn't this just another way of making ourselves feel better. We help people cause it makes us feel good that they feel good and at the end the goal is our own contentment. We have social norms that build boundaries as to what we should or shouldn't do in terms of etiquette and relating to another human being. Though this is yet another way the stronger keep the weaker weak.
Aren't these social norms merely a codification of what is instinctive for us. Darwin's so called 'the fittest survives', is no different now than it was when the neanderthal walked the earth....culturally and intellectually stunted. Poor beings...well you can take man out of the wild but you can't take the wild out of the man; i say. We are driven by basic desires. It's just we have found clever ways to get what we want! That is those who are 'fit' enough. Of course some of these instincts are 'suppressed'. They are seen as bad for the collective whereas others are praised but at the end of the day perhaps we are all just animals with fancy clothing.

Take for example the norms that governs how we interact with each other. In particular (and due to my recent exposure to young females habitants) the hunt for romance. When observing a social circle of men or women (for this purpose we will focus on the latter), it seems that if one member is attracted to, say, a particular and perhaps extremely good looking member of the opposite sex, this is seen as a declaration of ownership and a clear sign that this boy is Out. Of. Bounds.

Ok. So you are probably thinking well this is a good idea because two girls liking the same guy can only cause drama drama drama! Living with five other girls has more than reaffirmed that little bit of truth. So bonus points to the side that thinks we are not like animals. However isn't the 'forbidden fruit' rule a way for the most vocal and selfish to get what they want. Let's call it 'the dog pissing on the tree' or the cat staking out its territory. In one word...primitive!

In a way i can't help but laugh because it's in all aspect of our life. It's in the Oh my God, she's wearing the same dress as me. It's in the 'you can't date your friend's ex'. It's in the 'putting your friend down so that you might feel prettier or lovelier'. It's animal with a new branding. There are those that see the war paint and back off. These are 'the lucky few' that save themselves from potential friends drama but still classed as 'weak' for giving up what they truly desired. Shining less so as not to antagonize the tigress.

For those who do not take the humble bow - that is the occassions when a girlfriend will ditch the 'sisters before misters' pledge in favour of going for the same guy or object of pleasure or obsessions (sometimes that line is sooo blurry. sigh); allegiances is set yet fickle and battle lines are drawn in preparation for the 'cat fight'.

It might seem so crude to reduce it to those terms but when it comes down to it, we get animal on eachother when our interest are threatened. We behave irrationally. The fear prompts us to fight like creatures would do in the wild to settle 'differences'. It's just that now we have more sophisticated forms of warefare such as manipulation, demoralisation of the enemy, guerrilla warfare and darling once you are determined to destroy, the list is endless.

I can say from experience that living and fighting in this world has made me see things and ask these questions. I have seen allegiances fall like a house of cards in less time than it took to build them. I have seen the glittering edges of knives being polished for when backs are turned. I have seen looks not words that are knowing and speak things that the tongue dare not utter. Most of all i have lived in a world of flawed, irrational, scared, beings.

So really... how different are we?