Top of The Pops

So, I decided to return to the scene of the crime, where Aretha Franklin's Respect was disrespected on the dance floor of a particular Spanish club. The floor this time was thankfully empty, instead the bodies were crushed against the counter taking advantage of the not so "happy hour".

Yes, that's right, if you had been there earlier you would have been able to indulge in two pint size plastic cups of calimucho (otherwise known as bad wine and coca cola); for a generous sum of five euros. Also available as misappropriately named "minis", were two pint size cups of beer for a similar price. This misnomer was by no means a bad thing, if getting yourself perpetually 'hammered' was your goal. However this particular night, that goal was made even more difficult when they ran out of those so called 'mini' cups that would have properly secured my happy hour for hours...

As the clock struck twelve and the fairytale of cheap drinks came to an end, i prayed that the dj would not take advantage of my sober state and severly depress me as he had so effortless done before. I stood there. Flashed back to my first time in Top of the Pops. I remember being disappointed by the choice of tracks and also the Dj. It was a bipolar mix of indie music; an attempt to be bohemian but failing miserably. Highs and Lows where they didn't belong like singers who should never try acting.

After all this you can imagine that i was not jumping at the chance to return but i did so anyway. Everyone deserves a second chance right? After all it was a friend's birthday, couldn't say no now could i?
Empty it might have been but it did not remain so for long. The people streamed in, the music got good and i found my lips moving along to the kaiser chief, old school classic and dear i say material girl by our dear madonna. Ok, so he wasn't perfect, he tripped up a little bit when he decided playing a slow trotting beetle songs (which would put any warm blooded creature to sleep) would bring him stardom. He quickly redeemed himself with Jet's "Are you gonna be my girl". Keeping playing like that Dj and i just might ;)

You Got me...

My blessing, that allowed me to see the best there was in you and to know that i would give all that I could to your cause, has now become my curse. A quality so sought out in the heart of man, that of generosity, of kindness, unconditional love, understanding, empathy and the likes is to be disliked by the one who gives it so willingly. You will find as I have that to hold these traits when once it used to be a blessing is nothing but a burden. In these arms, people find a way to be selfish and steal affection where they can and leave those arms empty of appreciation. These arms still hang, waiting for you to take me in and hold me. They wait to be taken and to hear the words that i am your friend and you got me...

Instead i find that altruism is not a gift to the individual who possesses it but to those who choose to take what in most cases is offered out of love; but each time to return less and less. My generation it seems, believe the whole world should revolve around them, that includes looking out for number one. The mentality remains that if you were dumb enough to give that part of yourself, and then, to suffer the rejection that you should not complain.

What i ask is this my friend, my girl...What am i to you? A rock or your pillow?
If i were to fall to my knees, would you stand and look down at me kneeling here in your shadow or would your knees bleed like mine because you are beside me? I ask you, if you've got me or if you'd let me fall?

Things fall Apart

Sitting here and watching the neon shooting stars fall from the side of a shopping centre. I remember that christmas is creeping ever closer and it is time like these that we make those long trips homewards bound. Towards our roots, towards our fathers and our mothers. To hug our brothers and sisters. To sit on barely used dining tables, specially polished and adorned for this so called reason to be with family. To laugh and drink and make merry and forget the other 364 days of the year that we will never talk and the other 364 days of the year where the phatom of silent walks beside us with it's haunting touch to remind us of where we stand; to remind us that things are still the same.

Those neon stars and music notes that reminds us of christmas movies and happy endings could barely repair those things that have fallen apart. I think of fights, i think of a broken hearted woman who struggles to hold what is left together of love. They tell you it is to last forever. They say it is worth the pain. Our dreams might take us away for a short time and perhaps when we wake, we are deceived so briefly that the nightmare was left in that other world but things still fall apart. We are all here around this table holding on the lines between us, that has frayed so much that in time it will fade and it will let us all go...far far away to a place of no return.

What ever happened to the happy endings that films are made of?

Music is Poetry

I'm not your substitute ever

Gone and closed the curtain
ready or not, here i come
this is the last time that i will say these words
come on honey, take a trip with me
slow down, lie down, remember it's just you and me

He spends his nights in california
tonight we drink to youth and holding fast the truth.
My tea's gone cold, i'm wondering why I got out of bed at all,
wrote a letter to my father
do you know where your heart is?

Something always brings me back to you
Take me now baby here as i am
you don't have to be beautiful to turn me on
it's time when i want something more, someone more like me.
hand in hand we descend to the graveyard

Hurray for the child that makes it through
see the sun kiss parts of the moon.
What am i to you, tell me darling true?
so sweet so beautiful, every daylight queen on her throne...
i don't know why i was so afraid all the time

The Other Side

I saw the side, you know,
the one you hid so carefully under the dead leaves of autumn.
The leaves that changed as the air turned cold and
your expression shifted.
Then. So suddenly they were blown away exposing
the dusty ugly truth that you were not one but two...

The light i was attracted to was actually a dull glow
a shadow of kindness departed from it's real form
wandering lost, offering itself only, not for what it would give
but... what it could receive in return.

As weather changes, so too do you and mislead
today your friend, tomorrow a bad seed
planted to grow a maze between us in which
I am constant but yet constantly confused as to why I am where you are?
Why your face so pink and dear could make my heart sink in fear.

It is half you five, half of which i receive
Each time worth less as you lose your sparkle and begin to see who you really are.

Animals

Humans go through great lengths to prove that they are no longer a primitive and uncivilized species but instead cultured, disciplined and higher intellectual beings. However it seems to me that social norms, technology, attires, our relationships present a completely different pictures from that which we are determined to paint.

We show ourselves as altruistic but deep down isn't this just another way of making ourselves feel better. We help people cause it makes us feel good that they feel good and at the end the goal is our own contentment. We have social norms that build boundaries as to what we should or shouldn't do in terms of etiquette and relating to another human being. Though this is yet another way the stronger keep the weaker weak.
Aren't these social norms merely a codification of what is instinctive for us. Darwin's so called 'the fittest survives', is no different now than it was when the neanderthal walked the earth....culturally and intellectually stunted. Poor beings...well you can take man out of the wild but you can't take the wild out of the man; i say. We are driven by basic desires. It's just we have found clever ways to get what we want! That is those who are 'fit' enough. Of course some of these instincts are 'suppressed'. They are seen as bad for the collective whereas others are praised but at the end of the day perhaps we are all just animals with fancy clothing.

Take for example the norms that governs how we interact with each other. In particular (and due to my recent exposure to young females habitants) the hunt for romance. When observing a social circle of men or women (for this purpose we will focus on the latter), it seems that if one member is attracted to, say, a particular and perhaps extremely good looking member of the opposite sex, this is seen as a declaration of ownership and a clear sign that this boy is Out. Of. Bounds.

Ok. So you are probably thinking well this is a good idea because two girls liking the same guy can only cause drama drama drama! Living with five other girls has more than reaffirmed that little bit of truth. So bonus points to the side that thinks we are not like animals. However isn't the 'forbidden fruit' rule a way for the most vocal and selfish to get what they want. Let's call it 'the dog pissing on the tree' or the cat staking out its territory. In one word...primitive!

In a way i can't help but laugh because it's in all aspect of our life. It's in the Oh my God, she's wearing the same dress as me. It's in the 'you can't date your friend's ex'. It's in the 'putting your friend down so that you might feel prettier or lovelier'. It's animal with a new branding. There are those that see the war paint and back off. These are 'the lucky few' that save themselves from potential friends drama but still classed as 'weak' for giving up what they truly desired. Shining less so as not to antagonize the tigress.

For those who do not take the humble bow - that is the occassions when a girlfriend will ditch the 'sisters before misters' pledge in favour of going for the same guy or object of pleasure or obsessions (sometimes that line is sooo blurry. sigh); allegiances is set yet fickle and battle lines are drawn in preparation for the 'cat fight'.

It might seem so crude to reduce it to those terms but when it comes down to it, we get animal on eachother when our interest are threatened. We behave irrationally. The fear prompts us to fight like creatures would do in the wild to settle 'differences'. It's just that now we have more sophisticated forms of warefare such as manipulation, demoralisation of the enemy, guerrilla warfare and darling once you are determined to destroy, the list is endless.

I can say from experience that living and fighting in this world has made me see things and ask these questions. I have seen allegiances fall like a house of cards in less time than it took to build them. I have seen the glittering edges of knives being polished for when backs are turned. I have seen looks not words that are knowing and speak things that the tongue dare not utter. Most of all i have lived in a world of flawed, irrational, scared, beings.

So really... how different are we?

Toxic

A friend once said to me that when times are hard, I am beautiful and unique flower who instead of receiving nutrients and clean fresh water, was being suffocated by dirt, sewage and a toxic environment. It was this unhealthy cocktail that was causing my lack of growth, my self pity and eventually my lack of self worth. At first it just seemed like a profound but very confusing analogy but as time when on, those harsh conditions and so called 'dirt' became more apparent. They had been hiding out in the cracks of my life; my contagious and unhealthy friends.

As a good friend now faces a situation similar to one which i have experienced and in some cases still experiencing now, those words have returned to bring deep reflection and finally... to make sense.

Is there such a thing as a toxic environment, where negativity is served up for breakfast and pure bitchiness served up for lunch? Perhaps there are places where cultures has breed bad manners and bad friends. People who are so consumed with their own well-being they will tread on others to make sure their needs are served above others. I would like to say no there aren't toxic people out there. They are just individuals who supposedly mean well but it backfires. However perhaps I was naive in that conclusion. There are those who want more from you than you can physically and emotional serve up and they want it on a silver plater with caviar. There are families that though parade a facade of normality, behind closed doors inhale dysfunctionality and exhale depression. They just don't talk about it. No one talks about. They let the thick fog hang; and just like second hand smoke it's everywhere and it kills.

Perhaps there are guys that are bent on being brainless and sharing that brainlessness, that ugliness; hurting whatever good people are in their path and yes.... girls too. Bitchiness is what we were born to do; some more than others.

It's incredible how people survive in these treacherous environment. They try everyday to walk past that negativity, to move past those childish methods of 'dealing'. They are the ones that give people second chances, time and time again, only to receive a slap in the face; To be hurt and to be made a fool off. At some point they start thinking that perhaps... just perhaps I am the magnet for my own demise. After all what are the chances that so many of these kind of people exist in one city, one place and that I encounter them on a daily basis. Unfortunately, these good people begin to digest the negativity and even serve some back because you know what? there just isn't anything else. Once that happens, it becomes a sad day for everyone. When you have known criticism all your life, that is all you will learn to see and all you give back. When you have learnt hurt and pain all life, that is what you will expect at every corner and sadly such psychology breeds results.

It took a long time to learn this and to be honest I am still learning. That is learning to say 'I owe you nothing and moreover you do not own me or the right to mould me'; because bad friends are like bad cholesterols, you just need a diet and good exercise plan. You need to cut out the bad stuff, bring in the new fresh salads. You need to find your own plan, your own place where you can be you and you can really learn to appreciate that good person that you are. Toxic is what toxic does, it corrupts and it erodes and it damages. You wouldn't stand in the way of second hand smoke or expose yourself to dangerous chemicals except of course if you looooooooooooveeee botox and cosmetic surgery, so why let yourself be emotionally throw, dragged and beaten to the ground.

Erykah badu once sang
'because i pick my friend like i pick my food...'

Once you count the tears and the heartache. It all becomes clear, bad friends are no friends so why keep them. I use to say it's because I need them cause I don't want to be alone BUT they need US, they need those kind and generous souls to manipulate and put down so they can feel high. At what point do we let go and just say screw you?